The AntiGuide or Cartman's Credo

If someone asks you for help, think quickly whether they might be in a position to ever render you equal or higher assistance. If the help asked for is really serious, and not much sweat off your back, go ahead and do it. You own their ass from then on.

Every question or statement does not have to merit a response. A simple "Hmmm" will suffice. All it does is acknowledge the speaker to have said something. It does not signify your agreement, disagreement, intention to consider or even the fact that you heard what they said in the first place.

If you don't get caught, you haven't done it. Don't get caught.

Make people sweat sometimes. Make them uncomfortable around you, perhaps even apprehensive, on occasion. It keeps them on their toes.

Practice your mean look. That will get you out off having to answer for most of your nasty actions at key moments. You also get a little deference.

Be a right royal pain in the ass sometimes. But this works only if you're a good guy most of the time.

Think no end of yourself. You are more important than anyone else. You have a direct line to God. Anything bad that happens to you is part of a conspiracy and anyone and everyone in the world can be legitimately blamed for it. If something good happens to you, it's part of God's plan. You're special. You're chosen. You're different. You're a little bit better. And anyway, you accomplished it.

If someone of the opposite sex declines a date, they're homosexual. If someone of the same sex as you declines something you want to do with them, they're still homosexual, to want to do something so gay instead of spending time with you. They also have their priorities wrong.

When you walk down a street, there is a glow around you.

Everybody else on the road is a bad driver. You're an efficient driver.

Eat fast. This way you get more than anyone else.

If you drink too much, make sure to use the opportunity to insult or offend someone you've always disliked and speak your mind about them to their face. Talk loudly. Insist your opinion to be holy writ. Throw up on someone else. Preferably this same person.

Having sex with someone does not, under any circumstance, require you to call them back. Ever.

Never lose an opportunity to have an argument. Remember you're always right. If necessary cross the street to pick a fight.

In a fight, never let them see the first blow coming. Remember to fight dirty. Don't give them an even chance. Also remember to kick them when they're down. No better time and position. To win know the following moves in the order of precedence:

1. Punch to the nose (Breaks their nose, bleeds and shocks them for a few seconds).

2. Punch in the solar plexus (takes the wind out of them).

3. Punch on the mouth (cuts their lips up real bad, maybe breaks their teeth).

4. Punch on the temple/jaw (Gives them another shock and makes them disoriented).

5. Elbow in the ribs/face (very painful).

6. Heel stamped down hard on their foot (They lose their balance).

7. Kick in the fork (Brings 'em to their knees).

8. Knee in the face (Sends home the message that you don't like them).

9. Once they're on the ground kick them wherever you can, ribs, fork, head, face, knees, abdomen (Go on, you need the break).

10. Heel their fingers (You hear them scream).

11. Twist their arm hard and kick the joint (Breaks their ability to respond anymore).

12. Now poke 'em in the eyes (For fun and because you can).

12. Ask them to apologise (You humiliate them).

13. Take their address and phone number and make sure they know you have it (You hold the sword of further retaliation over their neck.

Use any and all items around you as weapons. And generally use their hair to get a better grip.

Remember, if there is more than one guy considerably bigger than you or more than two guys your size or if you're not a fast mover, run like hell. This, of course, does not apply if those guys are really drunk and you're not. Always keep your head.

And the don't s:

1. Never let them get to close to you in an attacking position. Move around.

2. Never let them grip your neck in their arm.

3. If you do get hit, remember to move away, quickly take measure and move in/run like hell.

4. If you think, even for a moment, you can't handle it, run like hell. There's glory and satisfaction in victory. There's no honour in being thrashed shitless.