The AntiGuide or Cartman's Credo

If someone asks you for help, think quickly whether they might be in a position to ever render you equal or higher assistance. If the help asked for is really serious, and not much sweat off your back, go ahead and do it. You own their ass from then on.

Every question or statement does not have to merit a response. A simple "Hmmm" will suffice. All it does is acknowledge the speaker to have said something. It does not signify your agreement, disagreement, intention to consider or even the fact that you heard what they said in the first place.

If you don't get caught, you haven't done it. Don't get caught.

Make people sweat sometimes. Make them uncomfortable around you, perhaps even apprehensive, on occasion. It keeps them on their toes.

Practice your mean look. That will get you out off having to answer for most of your nasty actions at key moments. You also get a little deference.

Be a right royal pain in the ass sometimes. But this works only if you're a good guy most of the time.

Think no end of yourself. You are more important than anyone else. You have a direct line to God. Anything bad that happens to you is part of a conspiracy and anyone and everyone in the world can be legitimately blamed for it. If something good happens to you, it's part of God's plan. You're special. You're chosen. You're different. You're a little bit better. And anyway, you accomplished it.

If someone of the opposite sex declines a date, they're homosexual. If someone of the same sex as you declines something you want to do with them, they're still homosexual, to want to do something so gay instead of spending time with you. They also have their priorities wrong.

When you walk down a street, there is a glow around you.

Everybody else on the road is a bad driver. You're an efficient driver.

Eat fast. This way you get more than anyone else.

If you drink too much, make sure to use the opportunity to insult or offend someone you've always disliked and speak your mind about them to their face. Talk loudly. Insist your opinion to be holy writ. Throw up on someone else. Preferably this same person.

Having sex with someone does not, under any circumstance, require you to call them back. Ever.

Never lose an opportunity to have an argument. Remember you're always right. If necessary cross the street to pick a fight.

In a fight, never let them see the first blow coming. Remember to fight dirty. Don't give them an even chance. Also remember to kick them when they're down. No better time and position. To win know the following moves in the order of precedence:

1. Punch to the nose (Breaks their nose, bleeds and shocks them for a few seconds).

2. Punch in the solar plexus (takes the wind out of them).

3. Punch on the mouth (cuts their lips up real bad, maybe breaks their teeth).

4. Punch on the temple/jaw (Gives them another shock and makes them disoriented).

5. Elbow in the ribs/face (very painful).

6. Heel stamped down hard on their foot (They lose their balance).

7. Kick in the fork (Brings 'em to their knees).

8. Knee in the face (Sends home the message that you don't like them).

9. Once they're on the ground kick them wherever you can, ribs, fork, head, face, knees, abdomen (Go on, you need the break).

10. Heel their fingers (You hear them scream).

11. Twist their arm hard and kick the joint (Breaks their ability to respond anymore).

12. Now poke 'em in the eyes (For fun and because you can).

12. Ask them to apologise (You humiliate them).

13. Take their address and phone number and make sure they know you have it (You hold the sword of further retaliation over their neck.

Use any and all items around you as weapons. And generally use their hair to get a better grip.

Remember, if there is more than one guy considerably bigger than you or more than two guys your size or if you're not a fast mover, run like hell. This, of course, does not apply if those guys are really drunk and you're not. Always keep your head.

And the don't s:

1. Never let them get to close to you in an attacking position. Move around.

2. Never let them grip your neck in their arm.

3. If you do get hit, remember to move away, quickly take measure and move in/run like hell.

4. If you think, even for a moment, you can't handle it, run like hell. There's glory and satisfaction in victory. There's no honour in being thrashed shitless.

Guide to Life V.1

This is the first draft of the start to my own Guide to Life. Comments and disagreements are welcome. Especially if you find them a little too pat or cheesy.

You are not responsible for anyone who can reasonably be presumed to be able to take care of and think for himself/herself.

Sure, you get a good job, earn a decent wage and be happy. But to be truly alive, especially if the job just pays your bills, make sure you don't lose sight of the horizons you saw when you were younger and work to get closer to them, broadening them even more. If necessary, refuse to grow up.

Don't be proud of ignorance.

Speak clearly, write with clarity and text as clearly as possible. Otherwise, not just do you show lack of clarity of thought you also end up with a lazy mind. No greater crime.

Don't depend too much on friends. It's good they're there and dependable and support you. But learn to love your own company, seek your own advice and help. You'll raise yourself in their eyes. More importantly, in your own too.

If you do depend on them too much, sooner or later you'll feel they've let you down. It WILL happen. Lower your expectations. Decrease your chances of disappointment.

But when you do feel let down, get over it. You don't know everything.

Pick up the cheque. If someone fights for it too much, yield gracefully. If you don't have enough cash on you, let your friend pay. It's okay. You'll treat them next time.

Don't go too much out of your way for people. Certainly not as a habit. They don't deserve it. They'll take you for granted and you deserve better.

Smoking and drinking. Just so you do it with your eyes open. Don't crib when you get cancer or cirrhosis. Like to smoke and drink? Light one up, have a drink or two. But know that three packs and 6 drinks a day will definitely do what a few smokes and drinks in a while only just might.

Learn a foreign language. It'll open up a whole new world for you. Really.

Love without reason (Also reason without love). You will be hurt. Take it on the chin. But don't presume the next person who comes along to be just as bad. It's unfair. Faith is the one thing you have to have to make a relationship. Have faith in the person, even if the last one was a bastard/bitch.

Try and be on time as much as possible. Others might have plans too.

Absence and ignorance. They are the worst possible excuses to rely on. Those who are absent are always in the wrong. Those who are ignorant have no business being present.

Be straight with people as much as possible. Unless you're a serial killer, you have nothing to hide. People may judge you, but they can't sentence you.

Work to discover that virtually anything's possible. Virtually any obstacle is surmountable. You only have to get your mind in the right place to figure that out.

There are good jobs out there for anyone who can do them. Don't waste time. Don't waste your life. Walk away from a bad job in the secure belief there're many for you too.

Help people whenever you can. Don't excuse yourself by expressing your inability to help everyone. Help someone. It'll come around to you.

If you see someone being treated unfairly, it's up to you to speak up. The victim might find himself unable. If you don't, you're pretty much just as culpable.

Finally a good book

Every time I read a really good book, I feel a little disappointed with myself. For not having thought of the idea first and being doubtful of having the discipline and scholarship to pull off that flawless execution.

I've recently read Unholy Wars: Afghanistan, America and International Terrorism by John K. Cooley, an award-winning journalist. This book traces the history of the people and circumstances that were the catalysts in throwing up a cross-continent cadre of terrorists after the Soviets were driven from Afghanistan. The sheer scope of the endeavour is bewildering.

The book talks about the relationships between the US and it's European, African, Middle-Eastern , ahem, Subcontinental allies, even the Red Chinese, that threw up and nurtured the war launched by the Mujahideen in Afghanistan, which later led to highly trained and motivated killers coming back to their native lands to foster Islamic Revolutions. It worked in Algeria. Egypt's still struggling with the Muslim Brotherhood. Somalia fell recently, thought the Ethiopians managed to take it in spite of opposition from the Eritreans.

This book examines the roles of each of these partner countries, and the causes and effects of this participation in the anti-Soviet Jihad in Afghanistan on them. No one, but no one, anticipated their boys fighting the Soviets to become such a problem.

What impresses me is the author's emphasis on historical detail. He can tell you exactly what happened during the Algerian revolution and after. With good reason. He was there. Even examining the historical relationship of the Chinese with the Muslim world, he traces the unease of the Chinese with Muslim resurgence to the 1800s and onwards. In fact, a couple of Muslim provinces in Western China became states in their own right, with support from the Ottoman Emperor. It's another thing that China later managed to retake them.

But what really makes fascinating reading is how the author traces the self-perpetuating nature of the feudal, warring social setup in Afghanistan, all of it fed by drug money, or oil money. In fact the chapter on opium and heroin production and smuggling makes for very interesting reading in the present context, considering the bumper harvest of opium in Afghanistan this year. 160 tonnes! The author talks about the principals in the drug production and smuggling trade, the routes taken by traffickers and the consequences on the quality and price of heroin on the streets of Western Cities.

It is also significant that this book was written in 1998. And the drug trafficking situation has become progressively worse since. Interestingly, the book has Osama Bin Laden on its cover. He was hardly a household name in those days.

I recommend this book to anyone who wants to know exactly how a situation has arisen where Islamic Terrorism has managed to position and strengthen itself to be of such concern to the world. Try and get the 2002 edition. Perhaps now is the time for a newer edition.

For more information on this book see the Editorial reviews on Amazon.

Books, a Movie and a Song

Been reading Musharraf's memoirs. A bit late in the day, I know. But judging from the half I've completed, I haven't missed much. Sheesh! He tends to kill what must've been really dramatic events by trying way too hard to overdramatize them.

I needed to keep taking breaks from the book before I could read further. He just ends up being so insufferably full of himself. I guess that was to be expected. I haven't completed it yet but I figure, it's only mildly entertaining in the way he gives his version of events, Kargil et al. Can't wait to get it over with. Don't think it'd win him an election.

Also finished reading Pratchett's Jingo last night. Again. "One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual." Haah.

Caught a movie called Shoot out at Lokhandwala: Based on True Rumours (If such a thing is possible). I'm afraid I wasn't paying much attention. I didn't see the big deal. Mostly bullets.

I have a new song I'm obsessing over. Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes. Good writing. But the way the lady sings is truly throatily, goosebumpingly awesome. It's also got some very good guitar work. Been trying to figure out a decent set of chords for it.

And I have a new project. My own version of Mary Schmich's Guide to Life for Graduates. This might take awhile. Watch this space. Further bulletins as events warrant.

To end with books again.

I've travelled the world twice over,
Met the famous: saints and sinners,
Poets and artists, kings and queens,
Old stars and hopeful beginnners,
I've been where no-one's been before,
Learned secrets from writers and cooks,
All with one library ticket,
To the wonderful world of books.

Janice James

Koom Valley

A little more about the URL keyword.

"The inhospitable Koom Valley was home to an ancient battle between dwarfs and trolls that both species came to use as an excuse for their mutual enmity. It was said to be the only known battle in which both sides ambushed the other, and acted as inspiration for the development of the game of Thud."

This vale is thus no different from any of those myriad landscapes which evoke the call to shed blood (again) 'cos that was how it'd happened 50 years back.

"Later engagements have led to a total of sixteen battles of Koom Valley (seventeen counting a "fracas" in Vilinus Pass), only three of which took place in the valley itself. This is in part due to the battle being a convenient patch for rips in time often used by the History Monks, although the History of Thud suggests that something about the valley itself encourages violence (this might be related to the Summoning Dark)."

This is because of quantum. Also, everyone knows mines are dark. But according to Dwarf Lore there are several kinds of Dark. The most fearsome of them all is the Summoning Dark. To a Dwarf, there is no escape from it.

Koom Valley's story is eventually revealed in the novel Thud!.

"The name "Koom" is a reference to the Welsh word cwm, which is pronounced "koom" and means "valley". Thus "Koom Valley" means "Valley Valley." Pratchett has an admitted fondness for tautological place-names, such as "Cheetwood", which literally means "Woodwood," and Torpenhow Hill, which means "Hillhillhill Hill."Now we know. More about Koom Valley later.

Thanks Wiki.

Opus No. I

This is the first of what will hopefully be many more entries on this blog. But a note to visitors before we begin.

The Universal Resource Locater of this blog is http://koomvalley.blogspot.com. I hope for this forum to be as much of a trouble-spot, even when merely invoked, as it's illustrious fictional namesake.

Those who follow the work of Terry Pratchett will know what I mean.

What is this blog going to be about? Sodomy Non Sapiens.